I don't know about your individual hands-on experience with divorce, nor do I know much about the actual divorcing process. I've had best friends with parents in the middle of their divorce, the start of their divorce, and closing the end of their divorce. As a sideline spectator, I've learned that they are a detrimental thing in society.
However, in retrospect at this age it might not be something people our age can fully wrap their heads around or fully comprehend, so I try not to be too quick to judge.
What I do know (as most people do) is that we lead the world in divorce rates. (really look at the countries we are above, sort of 'whack' isn't it?) Everybody in the actual divorcing process seems determined to exculpate themselves of the sequence of events happening.
And what do we see in the media and 'Star' magazines? These 'appealing icons' constantly switching spouses, getting married, getting divorced, and for some reason it is of interest to communities nationwide (otherwise these magazines wouldn't fly off the shelves).
I've read articles that blame the Book of Face for contributing to couples getting divorced, which might seem like an easy scapegoat for blame, but it sort of makes sense. It makes it easier to reach out and rekindle old flames, you can easily hide secret messages, and the beeline communication to past loves is seamless; accompanied with automatic almost immediate results (physical pleasure, the thing that officially constitutes the cheating).
Then we have other celebrities (lets use T-Woods for example) who use technology to shield their promiscuity. Text messages, picture messages, the list seems endless. And what did he really do that for?-- Because he wanted to have sex with multiple partners, that shouldn't be a reason to cheat, if anything that is more of a reason not to get married.
If you're not going to be monogamous then that might be the last sign before proposing where you should step back and reflect; 'maybe I'm not ready for the big leap into marriage'. It's all right to have those thoughts, but to simply hide them, get caught later, then blame it on 'sex addiction' is again; a pathetic excuse for a way out of a tight spot.
Looking at this from the standpoint of a single organism, in America by accepting these high divorce rates, by reading about 'iconic celebrities' changing partners so frequently it begins to speak volumes about where our mind set is: "Divorce is all right, not everybody is happy, that's why change is good. Divorcing is just like breaking up in high school." WRONG! fucking WRONG you idiots!!
By accepting it as a civilization, we are subconsciously normalizing it. It is organically growing in the roots of our generation, and growing with us as we mature into adults. We are saying it is okay to do that for individual happiness, when really divorce represents a damaging sequence of events. It is about breaking a bond, giving up, and is essentially the easy way out.
Think about it: thirty years from now do you want your kids to get divorced? And if you don't want kids ever, present the question hypothetically; would you want them to?
Don't you want to help strengthen family values and morale? Don't you love the idea of having strong ethics when it comes to relationships?
This isn't to say thousands if not tens of thousands of remarried couples made the right reason getting a divorce, but my argument is that as the largest Generation to date, we should be encouraging sacred bonds, monogamy, and not wanting to give up when times get tough. We live in a quick fix society--yes, but we shouldn't want a quick fix to a relationship problem. What a bunch of sissies we must look like to the rest of the happily married world!
Really pay attention the next time you're out in public running errands, signs of divorce are all over the place, subtly hidden, but they are there none the less.
On December 25th, 2010 my grandparents celebrated sixty years of solid marriage, and to be frank-- I can't fathom doing anything for sixty years consecutively. They have been together since they eloped at seventeen, and raised four children. My grandfather bent over backwards to work jobs across the country make it work, my grandmother gave up some of her dreams and passions to keep the family together.
Divorce was frowned upon back then (as it should be today, [sorry for the reiteration] ).
When my family was toasting to them my grandmother gave three tips of advice that you had to live by to make a marriage work; 1) You have to understand and respect one anothers' boundaries. 2) You've got to be willing to forgive and say I'm sorry, because there are going to be a lot of sorry's in a marriage because as we all know, nobody knows what each new day will bring (whether it is good or bad). And most importantly, 3) you've got to want to make the marriage work. Nobody is going to do it for you, you have to do it yourself and you have got to want to do it together.
What I see when I look at them and the numbers of divorces today is the shift of responsibility. Nobody wants to take responsibility anymore; they want a fast solution to a difficult problem, even if that means giving in and getting a divorce six months into the marriage. What a narcissistic group of Millennials we've become, spoiled rotten brats.
So gen-Y'ers, I don't necessarily advocate young marriages. To be honest, I don't think the ages 20-24 are appropriate ages to just run and get married. I've had too many close friends and family members hurt by their parents' selfish choices.
Couples are quick to jump into it, wanting all the great benefits that come with marriage. However, on a mental level, between the ages 22 and 29 your values will change, you will grow and your priorities will differ. What you want is someone it just 'works' and 'flows' with, but don't go out searching for it now.
In a time where everything seems easier than ever and we have access to anything and everything with computers, we shouldn't want to just rush rush rush. Slow down...ease into marriage, let the one you love find you. If you did marry young and things are going great, more power to you, you're an exceptional case of a rarity in today's world.
Me--I only want to be married once just like my parents. I want to have all my ducks in a row and know exactly what I want from the ages of 30 to 60 before I do any serious commitment. If you're dating around right now, go ahead and ASK the person what is on their plan by 30, it never hurts to just ask and find out. I know I want kids one day, so it seems fruitless to talk to girls who don't; and to me that should be okay.
Just slow down, let it flow, and nature will take its' course. You don't want a divorce under your belt, and contributing to the number is just normalizing a negative and detrimental stigma.
-Its almost the weekend, go dialogue with somebody new today. learn about their life story even if it takes ten minutes out of your day.
Robert, good post.
ReplyDeleteWe've discussed this before, but if I may....
When two human beings choose to be together for the rest of their lives, shouldn't their love be the bond that keeps them together? Marriage has become expected by society...it is somewhat of a formality. I'd like to argue that we can choose to be together forever without the necessity of a marriage certificate.
Marriage is (unfortunately) limited by religion and law. What if a Muslim falls in love with Jew? Or a man with another man? Should they not be allowed to marry because of their religion or their country's (religiously influenced) constitution?
As we grow old, we change. What if our idea of love changes? What if at age 50, we meet that one person that changes our life like nobody before them....and we come to the realization that perhaps we long ago married the wrong person?
Marriage excludes certain people. Marriage allows for prenuptial agreements (which is a bit oxymoronic, is it not?). Lastly, marriage makes leaving one another, for the right or wrong reasons and whether mutual or not, difficult for everybody.
I'm not saying that nobody should get married....I think that unconditional love should be what keeps two people together. We can still have celebrations of our unity, and we can have our friends and family bear witness to our promising ourselves to one another for eternity.
We grew up experiencing, directly or indirectly, the mess caused by parents changing and often divorcing. When the time comes for people of our generation to choose their life partners, I think we'll do just that. We will be unmarried life partners. We will promise ourselves to one another without the need for "proper marriage". We will happily raise our children, or perhaps just our pets, as partners out of wedlock.
Keep up the posts.
Riley